Javajune's Blog

Someone once said… “Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

I’m brave or maybe just crazy

Update… I made a few changes to the story. Let me know what you think.

 

Dear friends, I’m pulling out my hair, running around like a mad woman and biting the heads off small children. I desperately need your help! I’ve been struggling with the opening to the chic lit novel with strong romantic elements that I’m currently working on. I can’t seem to set the tone just right. I feel like there may be something missing. I’m 3/4 of the way through my first draft but I’m still not sure about the first few pages.  So, I’m going to throw it out there and let you give me some feedback. I’ll be brave and of course I’ll trust you…

 

 

beach-dreaming

 

 

Please send me to the beach with a little peace of mind. I need to feel like I’m on the right track before I run off on vacation. 

This is just the first few paragraphs.

 

Updated version

 

And so the sofa diary begins like this… 

 

I was deep in the reverie and wanted to call out his name, just breathe, I told myself. All my life I’d been praying for something big to happen but now the only thing that mattered was a new life with him. I was falling for this boy and he didn’t know the half of it. His eyes made me want to beg, for what I don’t know. I’d had plenty of boyfriends before but none that got inside me and haunted my every thought. I’m not sure what made Alex different, could be his quiet confidence and drive for success. It was probably more like his killer looks that buckled my knees every time I saw him. Something in him brought out a primal need in me that I just couldn’t explain.

My heart stopped when I heard footsteps making their way up to our new loft apartment. I rushed to the door, opened it slightly and then quickly positioned myself on the worn out sofa that was in clear sight as he entered the room. My heart was beating out of control as I couldn’t wait to see his expression when he noticed what I wasn’t wearing. My deliberate demeanor quickly unveiled my intentions. I was so ready to give up unpacking and consummate this new step in our relationship. In fact I had been dreaming of this moment all day. His eyes, his touch, his smell, yes that’s what it was, his smell; it haunted me down to the core. I couldn’t get away from the need to consume every inch of this boy. Alex took one look at me and he understood completely. He tried to place the box down carefully but in his hast the damp cardboard split wide open, spilling my grandmother’s china all over the hardwood floor. He looked over at me with a worried face that anticipated the usual dramatic response from a twenty-three year old girl moving into her first place.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry Bella. Did it break? Damn, couldn’t you have picked a better day to move all this crap?”

I casually picked up the pieces. It was my grandmother’s china and should have meant something to me, but it didn’t. Besides it was the ugliest pattern I’d ever seen. It resembled brown wheat or something similar that didn’t belong on fine china. I wasn’t really the sentimental type and that’s why my dreams of making a life with Alex surprised me so much. He bent down and collected the remaining pieces off the floor. I brushed up against his determined cheek and said softly,

“It’s okay. I’m not worried about a few broken dishes? I have more important plans for you my dear boy. I’ve been waiting for this all day.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the sofa. I took my time unfastening each button and every button of his shirt. I kissed his neck and then pressed my breasts against his bare chest. This caused a shutter to take over me.  He pulled me in and I slid underneath his body. I felt his eagerness, like I was the one he’d been dreaming about. Everything I wanted was to be his one and only dream. I needed to see his eyes, frantically searching to find me. He was no stranger in my dreams. I had to wonder what part I played in his.

I whispered, “I want you” in his ear and moments later, the apartment christening was in motion. Just as he thrust his hips, sending my body hurling to a familiar place, things began to escalate as my toes formed the perfect curl, with a loud crack and then a big crash to the floor. Our half-naked bodies spilled over the hardwood planks.

“What the hell, Bella? Where did you get this piece of shit?” Alex said as he jumped to his feet.

We both laughed as I turned to him and said, “Damn, I’ve had one hell of a week. It started with my uptight mother forbidding me to shack up, then came my first parking ticket, Grandma Bea’s china is broken, and now the only piece of furniture I own is a piece of shit. He flashed me a wink with a promise of better things to come.

It starts simply enough with a twenty something girl and guy, first apartment together, steamy relationship, well you get the picture. Did you get that she’s a girl who is hopelessly head over heels for a guy who is pretty smooth but just along for the ride?

Here are the things that I’d like you to consider in your feedback. What could I do better to set the mood or convey my message? What’s missing? Is there anything that just isn’t working? Be brutal, well maybe not too brutal, but honest😉

Thanks, I knew I could count on you.

jj

April 6, 2009 - Posted by | me, rants, saga | , , , , , , ,

12 Comments »

  1. I usually read everything and don’t have much to complain about. Your story makes me want to know more, so that is good. I suppose…

    Perhaps you could make the dialogue a bit longer… that’s all🙂

    Comment by Terra | April 6, 2009

  2. Terra,
    Thanks for the tip. You are right my dialog is always a bit skimpy. For some reason I don’t like dialog. I just like the telling part. I guess I need to work on that.
    jj

    Comment by javajune | April 6, 2009

  3. I gotta email you if that’s OK. Too long for a comment. I have ideas.

    Comment by Ricardo | April 6, 2009

  4. OK check your email for my feedback. I can go on forever about this stuff.

    Comment by Ricardo | April 6, 2009

  5. Your are a brave woman, Junie. Here is my five cents, I feel you should start the story at “I was deep in reverie and wanted to call out his name.”
    I feel that’s when the story begins. The rest of the paragraph before maybe you can put it another place in the first chapter.

    Comment by Shell | April 6, 2009

  6. jj, i’m just not good at telling a made-up story, a real one from memory i do okay with…but, trust me, i read a lot! and this, i’d want to read more!!
    BTW…my mom had a set of that china, bland cream color with brown wheat on it!

    Comment by libby | April 7, 2009

  7. I think you should expand it a little, as it feels a little rushed to me. Just my 2 cents.🙂

    Comment by Gallivanter | April 7, 2009

  8. Ricardo,
    Thanks so much for your feedback email. You had some great points and I appreciate all the time you took. Thank you so much.

    Shell,
    I like your idea. I may just use it. My opening is flat and this “I was deep in reverie and wanted to call out his name.” may be better served in the beginning and give it the tone I’m looking for. Thanks again for your help.

    Libby,
    Thanks for your comment. My parents had the ugly brown wheat china too. I didn’t get the appeal then and really don’t see it now. Thanks for always being here.

    Gallivanter,
    You are right it is rushed. Not enough detail and short attention span is the story of my life. I’m always in a hurry and can’t wait to get to the next point. What can I say, I still run around like a five year old at a birthday party. Thanks for your input.

    Now I will go to work and use the wonderful input you all have given me. Thanks again.
    jj

    Comment by javajune | April 7, 2009

  9. […] for your mid- week pondering. Have a dreamy Wednesday. For those of you who commented, I updated the story.   […]

    Pingback by Javajune’s Blog | April 8, 2009

  10. I like the updated version. it’s stronger and tighter. You get more of the feeling the guy isn’t really good for her.

    Comment by Shell | April 8, 2009

  11. Thanks Shell for your input. It means a lot
    jj

    Comment by javajune | April 8, 2009

  12. I’m sorry I didn’t see this in time to make a useful comment. It’s hot! As amended, it’s also good for the opening of a story or novel. It opens the story with passion, and that can’t be bad! Even better, it leaves all the background to be filled in, which is bound to spark the reader’s curiosity.

    I never felt comfortable writing dialog either. As a possible corrective, I suggest you read any novel by George V. Higgins. His first great one was “The Friends of Eddie Coyle” Another one that you might find more congenial is “Wonderful Years, Wonderful Years”. It’s much more recent.

    His novels contain a very high percentage of dialog. You can tell that he’s listened closely to how people in the subset of Boston life that he writes about speak, and then, with the general sound of that speech firmly in place in his mind, he’s just kind of turned off his brain and let the dialog flow. It’s marvelous to read. Gives you that “fly on the wall” feeling. I assume he edits the dialog later to make the scenes develop the plot.

    Comment by nightman1 | April 22, 2009


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