Javajune's Blog

Someone once said… “Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

Unravelling and the real me


So, I think I’ve mentioned a few times over the past eight weeks that I’ve embarked on a journey into myself. This journey set sail in an Unravelling  e-course that took a group of people through an exploration of their true selves  by a process of  photo-journaling their life. I jumped in with both feet, so to speak, as the first assignment was of my feet but some where along the way my enthusiasm wained just a bit. I’m not sure how much my perception of myself has changed over the past few weeks but I do think that my acceptance of the real me has improved just a bit.

I started out feeling somewhat strange about taking photographs of myself but got used to the idea as the weeks rolled on.  I soon realized that the pics I liked the most were the softer and maybe a little over exposed shots. I analysed that a bit and then concluded that this is exactly how I prefer to see life. A little soft and fuzzy, no rough edges, a view that allows me to ignore the parts that aren’t so pretty. Since hitting the big four- o, I have struggled with the thought of getting older and the reality that is settling into my face and body. I feel like a young girl trapped in a middle aged woman’s life.

Throughout my entire life I was the girl who wasn’t exceptionally smart-just average and not particularly talented in any one area- just okay at a few things but everyone just referred to me as that pretty girl, many never even knew my my name. I even had a boss tell the computer programming guy not to ask me any technical questions because I was just the pretty girl in the office- that boss was a woman. This used to infuriate me but now I seem to be scrambling to hold on to that pretty girl who is changing into a average woman- I never wanted to be average.  Pretty fades- so, I’m ready to move on to something deeper and more spectaculiar in my life. I want to be remembered for my accomplishments.

secret weapons

We struggle all our lives to be more than what we are and in the end I think we fail to appreciate our true talents or assets. These days it takes a little longer for me to accept the face I see in the mirror and I do have a few secret weapons but the whole beauty thing has gotten a bit expensive. It’s just not the same for men. Are they just naturally better looking or do we just except them the way they are? I think it’s the latter- sorry guys.

the face in the mirror

During the Unravelling e-course I’ve realized I’m not alone in my struggle to accept myself and that many of my classmates have far greater issues than I. It has been interesting to look at an image of a fellow classmate and view them one way until I read their perception of themselves and then this image takes on a whole different light. So I guess what I am saying is that the way you perceive and portray yourself greatly influences the way others see you.  Perhaps this means if I want to look like a  young beautiful woman that is fully capable and talented in many ways, I must first see those things in myself before they’ll become apparent to others. Does that make sense?

Unravelling to the end

I started out as that pretty little girl and then become that average woman I see in the mirror today.

I’m sad to see this class come to an end and don’t know how it will impact my life but I do think that everything we experience in life changes us just a little.


June 24, 2009 - Posted by | me, photography, secrets | , , , , , , , ,


  1. You are so adorable! Look at you in your tiny little clothes! Ah, the soft focus…a gift from God as we age. I only wear my glasses for working, for I too prefer a softer, kinder world! I can’t afford the good skin care, but I do spend my money on a great cut and color. I found one of the things that helped me with aging was to let go of trying to look the same…I forget my age all the time. Seriously. I am pretty much the same inside, a bit wiser, but a lot more fun. When I turned 50, I went to Express and had the girls dress me and bought an entire wardrobe! I have never done that in my life. You are anything but average! You are all the beautiful words and images you post every day. You are so much more than average. Sending you all my love, Deborah

    Comment by Deborah | June 24, 2009

  2. You are still The Pretty Girl. Or rather, now you are The Pretty Woman.

    At 61 I recently had a snapshot of me taken for the first time in many years.I am overweight and have gray hair, and in addition I am now beginning to take on that OVERALL grayness that is characteristic of old age.

    In other words, I looked really bad! It is very hard to take, though I was never handsome.

    Comment by nightman1 | June 24, 2009

  3. I have always marvelled at those who can accept themselves completely – their flaws, their mistakes, the aging process, etc. Or…. is it just that they hide it so well?? I think this type of introspection is not only healthy but very normal.. we all do it… we just don’t always talk about it. It helps to know what others are thinking as well. I know I am right there with ya! Love ya

    Comment by cin | June 24, 2009

  4. junie, the big 4-oh really bit me in the ass! it’s hard to get used to! especially since my memories of my young, fun years feel like yesterday!

    Comment by libby | June 24, 2009

  5. I just turned 40 in January. My birthday was mixed because a one of my bests passed away right around it. Now, it’s finally sinking in that I’m 40. To me is has given me a sense of freedom.
    As for being average, come on I so don’t believe that at all. There are so many women to me at 40 that just start to shine. I feel you need to look at yourself in a new way.

    Comment by Shell | June 24, 2009

  6. Oh dearest friend: You are beautiful, of that there is no doubt, but you are many other things too. You are smart (that boss didn’t know you). You are kind. You are lovely. You are a beautiful writer. You are a wonderful photographer.

    When I see these pictures of you I see the whole package. And remember you are from the inside out and not the other way around.

    I am 13 years older than you and I seriously look like I am 33 years older than you. And the funny thing is I still feel like a young girl too.

    We were all young and beautiful once, and now I am glad to say we are that and much much more.

    Thank you for praying for me. I love you for it.

    Love Renee xoxoxo

    Comment by Renee Khan | June 24, 2009

  7. I was pretty depressed when my acting class ended so I feel where you’re coming from. Sounds like you are at a personal transition. This reminds of of when I was no longer just a kid but a “man” which is a broad term that can mean a bunch of good and bad things depending on who is addressing you.

    That was obnoxious of your boss to say that.

    I also ate feeling average at things. I say maybe average at the convention but above average at the non conventional.

    Comment by ricardo1138 | June 25, 2009

  8. Lady! You aren’t “average!”
    You are beautiful. Hell, I wish
    I could look that good in a pair
    of striped stockings! ;OD
    Stay in touch!

    Comment by .kat. | June 30, 2009

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