Javajune's Blog

Someone once said… “Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

A very ordinary girl now middle-aged woman who thinks extraordinary thoughts in no particuliar order

A very ordinary girl now middle-aged woman who thinks extraordinary thoughts in no particular order. I’m thinking this may become a new feature on my blog. Perhaps I’ll touch on it once a week or twice a month or maybe even every other post. I can’t be pinned down right now or get caught up in the details, I have too much to say. I may start at the beginning, at the end or maybe even in the middle because I do things like that

 I thought my life was going to turn out differently, after all I have a destiny, a mission, a niche, but I haven’t found it just yet.   I know it’s out there, lurking in the shadows just waiting for the right moment to happen.

I couldn’t wait to grow up and find my purpose, that niche, my something but I had to get married to my high school sweet-heart, have kids and purchase my first house before I could pursue my dreams. Those things were too important to let get away and they had to get done before I was too set in my ways to get married, too old to have kids and before I had spent most of my adult life in a rented apartment.

While raising kids I knew that my something was out there but I was too busy, too fulfilled and way too brain-dead to go looking for it. It would have to wait and wait and wait.

How long should one wait? Should I start looking? Actually I think I’ve been looking all along but no niche.   I’ve always thought that when I was ready it would just happen.  All I had to do was wish for it and the answer would become, loud and clear, a flash of light, an epiphany, happiness.

I use to dream of a life in the big city. This life  included my loving family, the perfect house, a little fame and a lot of money. All made possible by my thriving career. I had my whole life ahead of me and plenty of time to achieve everything I’d hoped for. It was going to happen. I could feel it. I just had to get through the next few years of raising my family before it could happen. I raised my family and now when I look back I know that those were the most fulfilling years of my life. Perhaps thats why I put off the dream, my wish.

As the years passed my dreams and wishes got a lot smaller and a little closer to home.

I once wished for a beautiful white cat to fill my house with cozy charm, to make it feel homey and full. I envisioned her sitting in the front window when I arrived home in the evening, waiting for my company.

I wished and a couple of months later he showed up. He was different from what I envisioned, his fur was short with tan patches and he was absent a tail. I welcomed him into my home anyway but he didn’t like the indoors. he preferred the porch to my cozy office.  So now when I arrive home I find him waiting  not on my window sil but waiting all the same. By the way he brought friends-I feed them too.

 I wished for more children and I got a grandchild. Grandchildren are God’s greatest work and I never tire of their company. I’m not your typical grandma. I don’t bake. I can barely cook and I wear jeans with holes in the knees.

A few years ago I wished for more time with my family and something happened at work that made it justified for me to quit. I never looked back because I was sure this was a sign and my special talents were about to emerge. That was two and a half years ago. I’ve tried on a few hats since then but nothing fits. Someone once said, “I think you just don’t like to work” not true. I just want to feel passionate about what I’m doing, be good at it and make a living while doing it. 

Not all my wishes come true. I’ve wished for something I enjoyed, loved, something I was really good at.  It had to be a career where I could make a living while doing it. Something all my own. Nothing happened. I’m afraid it may take a little work on my part to find it, patience and focus, things I’m not very good at. I have the attention span of a three-year old child after she has consumed an entire box of cookies, chocolate chip of course.

I’m not whinning and I’m certainly not ungrateful for all the wonderful things in my life. I’m just wondering if maybe I’m going about this quest for success and completion all wrong. Perhaps…

This is just me thinking out loud  🙂

xo-jj

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May 5, 2010 Posted by | family woes, me, nasty habits | , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

My life would be perfect if…

Photo borrowed from myhomeideas.com

So here we are living, dreaming and sharing our experiences with one another. We all have our ups and downs in this quest for a perfect life. Sometimes we know what we want, sometimes we can fill in that blank- if… but sometimes it’s not so clear, you could say, it’s kind of a gray area. 

We could say things like- my life would be perfect if…

I had enough money to live it the way I wanted to,

if I had an awesome body, healthy and beautiful, that will never grow old,

if I  had a great job, that I loved,

If I had the time to do the things I wanted to do and had the  time to spend it with the people I wanted to be with instead of those who just happen to be in the same place at the same time.

Yesterday while driving home from work I listened to an interview with Meaghan Daun the author of  “My life would be perfect if I lived in that house”. It made me think about how I might complete the sentence- my life would be perfect if… but I really couldn’t come up with a viable option or the perfect line and then I thought… what is perfect and is that really what I want?  hmmm…

Life Would Be Perfect If I Lived in That House

The following is an excerpt of this book… I like it!

Yesterday, a piece of my house came off in my hands. I don’t mean that metaphorically. I banged the garbage can against an outside wall, and a piece of stucco about the size of a sheet of paper came ever so slightly loose. When I touched it, it fell gently into my palm. It was as if the house were giving me a lock of its hair, or perhaps coughing up phlegm. I was concerned, but it also happened that I was really busy that day. I just couldn’t get into it with the stucco, not right then anyway. Also, I was coming up on my five-year anniversary of owning the house, and if there’s anything I’ve learned in five years, it’s this: if a piece of your house falls off and you don’t know what to do with it, throwing it in the trash and forgetting about it is a perfectly viable option. And it so happened that the trash can was right there. Once upon a time I would have made a beeline to the yellow pages to look up “stucco replacement,” but I’ve come a long way since then.

So has the house. I bought it in 2004, and as I write this, it’s supposedly worth $100,000 less than what I paid for it. By the time you read this, it will probably be worth even less than that. I try not to care because if I cared too much, or even thought about it too much, I’d go insane. I’ve spent enough time here being insane, believe me. I was insane when I bought the place, and I went even more insane afterward. Then again, the whole world was high a few years ago. The whole world, or at least the whole country, was buying real estate and melting it down to liquid form and then injecting it into veins. For my part, it’s tempting to say I succumbed to peer pressure, but it was really much more complicated than that. There is no object of desire quite like a house. Few things in this world are capable of eliciting such urgent, even painful, yearning. Few sentiments are at once as honest and as absurd as the one that moves us to declare: “Life would be perfect if I lived in that house.”

I’m writing this book in homage to that sentiment, which is to say I’m telling the story of a very imperfect life lived among very imperfect houses.

I, too, have had fantasies about the perfect house- a quaint little cottage surrounded by a garden of roses and other aromatic bloomers, the creamy white kitchen is old but still very functional, the wood floors creak with every step I take, but the windows open up to a panoramic view of  the sea. The smell of sea-spray and romantic flowers fills my breath as the breeze gently graces my cheek like the touch of a feather and this house, this view, this experience  makes my life seem,,, well… perfect!

 
My eyes are closed and my head is laying back in my chair, I can feel it- I’m there and it’s perfect…

xo-jj

May 4, 2010 Posted by | confessions, family woes, Hello Miss Manners, me | , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments