The light filtered through my window in such a way that I became engaged, motivated, no, compelled to capture it’s essence. One click and it was done, the color, the moment, the magic only lasted for a minute or two before the morning light took on another position. It morphed itself into something benign.
If you wait long enough anything will change. It happens when you’re not looking, at night when you are fast asleep but sometimes the transformation takes place right in front of your eyes.
One of my roles in the family is peacemaker or it maybe better defined as channel master. I listen, I talk and then I defuse the situation. It’s not as simple as all that and it doesn’t work half the time but I always give it my best shot. I’m comfortable in that role most days except a day like today, when all I want is to be my own guide, my own channel master. To have time to listen to me and then quickly change the channel if I don’t like the feature presentation.
The act of writing/typing this on-line diary is a revelation for me. I start out on one subject and then quickly change to something entirely different. It’s a great opportunity to reveal my inner most thoughts. What starts out as a quick post becomes a river of words which are the deepest aspect of who I am at this very moment. I’m so glad I have someone to share them with.
Happy Mother’s Day to all my girlfriends out there…
Every morning I wrap my fingers around a toasty cup of coffee and step outside to watch the day begin. I ponder the mist rising above the sleepy woodland, the leaves rotting on the forest floor, the air thick and damp allowing a generous coat of green moss to prosper.
This is the moment I fall in love with the day, silent, hopeful and posed with the unknown. With the steam rising from my cup, I give thanks for my life and everyone in it. I close my eyes and breathe in the heavy air. I’m thoughtful, thankful and ready for the day to begin.
I give thanks for my life and everyone in it…
Happy Thanksgiving, my friends
Here I sit in in nowhere land making all my nowhere plans for nobody. I’ve been a little cooped up lately and feel a little like the nowhere man from the Beetles lyrics. Mom, baby and tot (the princess) came down with really bad colds just a week after delivery so it’s been a little over-whelming here. Oh yeah and now Mr. Java has it. Nurse Junie needs a raise, hee, he!
I know I promised to visit you all very soon and I will but it may be another few days before I can get back to work as usual. Until then I’m sending all my love your way.
Sprinkles of love from nowhere land are drifting your way.
Someone once said:
A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.
Remember the pregger belly shoot? Well tomorrow is the big day. Grand Princess number two will be born by c-section at around 8 am. Postings on this blog may be a little sporadic for a while but be prepared for a lot of tiny fingers and toes and just plain cute. I will be busy being nurse, maid and Grammy for a few weeks. The basement apartment has been equipped with an added nursery. I’ll keep you posted on the health of Mom and baby as soon as I can and yes there will be lots of pictures!
Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
I’ve returned home with mixed emotions dancing around in my head but my heart is filled with joy. Joy for the moments and people in my life, joy for the opportunities and beauty the universe has to offer and joy in this very moment here with you. It’s important to get lost in the moments and let go of some of the self-control that runs our lives. That grip can squeeze every once of goodness out of the present time. Some times it’s important to slow down and just breathe, cloud gaze, dig in the dirt, feel gratitude and cultivate that inner smile.
I’m lingering an inner smile that feels a bit like the slippery moments that are enjoyed during the in-between state of consciousness. My mind is wandering, reflecting, but mostly enjoying the tiny joyful moments of my life that are strung closely together.
My trip was filled with moments, of feeling lost without care, discovery of new places and people, taking in the sights of a beautiful landscape and the feeling of letting go. Opening up and letting go can be painful but it can also be a beautiful thing. We wandered the city of Portland without any concept of time and experienced a culture that was new and somewhat unusual.
I met up with my wonderful on-line friend, Lucinda, and she took me sight seeing along the gorge. Thank you Lucinda, you’re a beautiful person! The next morning my son and I journeyed westward through miles of forests until we reached the ocean shore. We then drove across the beach with sea-spray in our hair and a laugh in our hearts. It was a beautiful moment of madness and freedom as I began to let go. My control flowed out the window and tumbled across the beach until it met with the sea. Who knows where it went from there.
Our wandering took us to the mountains and back. It was a series of beautiful moments of self- discovery and sharing. Good-byes are never easy but quite often necessary. Infinite love is something a mother fully understands. The landscape was only a symbol for what we were about to experience as mother and child. The act of letting go of someone you love, so that he can soar, is like climbing a mountain. There are moments of pain and difficulty that must be endured. My difficulty was answered back with a veiw that was more beautiful and liberating than anything thus far. The sight of my child spreading his wings with the courage to leave the nest is one of those joyful moments.
“Something good will come of this.” I told myself as I boarded the plane alone. I felt my body lighten as I opened up to the moment and all the infinite possibilities that life has to offer and then I was truly free, just like the clouds outside my window.
Someone once said, “The key elements of life are time and people.”
Let go and just breathe, Junie, just breathe!
Follow me to the secret garden
She came to this place as though it were by instinct. The pathway to this hidden place was lush and closed in around her as she approached the hedge. The old hedge of Crepe Myrtles stretched 30 feet or more along the hillside. When she stepped past it there was a heavy wrought iron gate that was now rusted and broken away from its hinges. It was covered in thick vines weaving their way through every hole. Everything looked so intriguing through heavy iron and leafy vines. The gate made the garden more alluring and she heard it call her name. Temptation forced her to take a peek and she was rendered breathless at the sight. Someone had gone to a lot of trouble to hide this place it must be a secret worth keeping. It looked as if this garden had a mind of its own and was not willing to reveal its secret too easily. It resembled an old Gothic graveyard and a most unusual sight, like a time and place in another world. It was so close and hidden in a landscape of open beach dunes only a few feet away. The garden was hauntingly beautiful but it was filled with a resonance of deep sorrow that radiated throughout the grounds. Roses and honeysuckle vines grew wildly and the moon flowers were just beginning to open as the light began to fade. Night Jasmine saturated the air with a luring scent that said come closer. The graveyard garden was bordered by a rusty iron fence and each three foot section ended with a 7 foot pole. Hanging from each pole was a glowing garden lantern. The light that flickered as the lanterns swayed with the breeze dazzled her eyes. It bathed the garden with shimmering light and set it apart from the landscape that surrounded it. The plants seemed to respond to her arrival by growing taller and unleashing an intoxicating scent as she passed by.
Twilight, lovely flowers, and a lantern’s glow set this garden apart from the world. It was silent except for the sound of the breeze that whispered through the vines. The whispering silence made her feel on edge and uncomfortable standing in her own skin. Her heart raced as she felt every breath hot and damp coming from her lips. It seemed more like a dream; this place couldn’t be real. She looked to the center of the memorial garden and there was a beautiful angel standing seven feet tall with her wings gracefully opened wide. The base of the statue read, “Angel of Hope”. Suddenly she got the feeling that she didn’t belong and was intruding on a private space but then she noticed something. The name on the little head stone at the base of the statue was familiar. It was in the middle of tiny flowers and several other broken headstones. Rose vines had taken over and grew wildly in and out of the head stones and over the wrought iron fence. A honeysuckle vine was spewing a heavy scent into the atmosphere. If it weren’t for the stunning beauty of this place it would be almost unbearable. The emotion of this secret garden was overwhelming and she couldn’t help but be over-taken by the power of sadness that resonated. Her time in this secret garden was a walk that weaved its way through the lies of her life but she didn’t recognize the truth that was standing right before her.
It felt like a good day for story telling. This story is based on the time I went searching for my roots and found the truth in a beautiful garden/cemetery.
Enjoy this day and everyday!
She is never hungry, always clean, and never lost, she feels loved always. How can that be? Maybe she’s special like a princess or has some magical guardian angel, maybe she does something really great to deserve such a comfortable life. Maybe… but then perhaps it is something else entirely. Perhaps there is someone who loves her for no special reason at all, perhaps she is a daughter and has a mother with unconditional love. Perhaps that’s true but “why then” she asks, “are there children who go to bed at night with an ache in their empty tummy or a cry that nobody hears?”
Can we explain the difference between this little girl and the girl who cries alone or feels unloved? Doesn’t every child deserve to be loved?
“Honey we all deserve to be loved!” Says the lady who dreams too much (that’s me).
I want to wish you all a very happy Mother’s Day but I would like to dedicate this post to the children who go without the unconditional love of a Mother. I will be spending the weekend in the woods with family. I’ll see you on Monday when I’ll pass along a very special award that was given to me, stay tuned.
Enjoy this day and every day. You deserve it, we all do!