Javajune's Blog

Someone once said… “Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

Unravelling and the real me

IMG_1704

So, I think I’ve mentioned a few times over the past eight weeks that I’ve embarked on a journey into myself. This journey set sail in an Unravelling  e-course that took a group of people through an exploration of their true selves  by a process of  photo-journaling their life. I jumped in with both feet, so to speak, as the first assignment was of my feet but some where along the way my enthusiasm wained just a bit. I’m not sure how much my perception of myself has changed over the past few weeks but I do think that my acceptance of the real me has improved just a bit.

I started out feeling somewhat strange about taking photographs of myself but got used to the idea as the weeks rolled on.  I soon realized that the pics I liked the most were the softer and maybe a little over exposed shots. I analysed that a bit and then concluded that this is exactly how I prefer to see life. A little soft and fuzzy, no rough edges, a view that allows me to ignore the parts that aren’t so pretty. Since hitting the big four- o, I have struggled with the thought of getting older and the reality that is settling into my face and body. I feel like a young girl trapped in a middle aged woman’s life.

Throughout my entire life I was the girl who wasn’t exceptionally smart-just average and not particularly talented in any one area- just okay at a few things but everyone just referred to me as that pretty girl, many never even knew my my name. I even had a boss tell the computer programming guy not to ask me any technical questions because I was just the pretty girl in the office- that boss was a woman. This used to infuriate me but now I seem to be scrambling to hold on to that pretty girl who is changing into a average woman- I never wanted to be average.  Pretty fades- so, I’m ready to move on to something deeper and more spectaculiar in my life. I want to be remembered for my accomplishments.

secret weapons

We struggle all our lives to be more than what we are and in the end I think we fail to appreciate our true talents or assets. These days it takes a little longer for me to accept the face I see in the mirror and I do have a few secret weapons but the whole beauty thing has gotten a bit expensive. It’s just not the same for men. Are they just naturally better looking or do we just except them the way they are? I think it’s the latter- sorry guys.

the face in the mirror

During the Unravelling e-course I’ve realized I’m not alone in my struggle to accept myself and that many of my classmates have far greater issues than I. It has been interesting to look at an image of a fellow classmate and view them one way until I read their perception of themselves and then this image takes on a whole different light. So I guess what I am saying is that the way you perceive and portray yourself greatly influences the way others see you.  Perhaps this means if I want to look like a  young beautiful woman that is fully capable and talented in many ways, I must first see those things in myself before they’ll become apparent to others. Does that make sense?

Unravelling to the end

I started out as that pretty little girl and then become that average woman I see in the mirror today.

I’m sad to see this class come to an end and don’t know how it will impact my life but I do think that everything we experience in life changes us just a little.

xo-jj

June 24, 2009 Posted by | me, photography, secrets | , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

My fears and is the pot half full or half empty?

IMG_0399 5

 I snuck into the green house down the street last night, (Okay they new I was there) to take this shot of old clay pots- love them!

Just this morning I was thinking about the things that hold me back; they’re very real and kind of scary, so I guess you could call them fears. I’ve always been fearful of certain things, like: the dentist, snakes, big spiders, death and sometimes the dark. The difference between always and now is that my list of fears has grown by leaps and bounds. Some of these thoughts could be considered worries more so than full blown fears but even so they’re disruptive like a nagging tooth ache that prevents me from enjoying the sweet stuff that life has to offer. 

IMG_0330 2

I think I’ll eat this pear today. It was so pretty I hated to take a bite but now that I have this picture, I think it’s time.

Here are a few things that have made their way to my list in recent years.

1. fear of growing old- in mind and body (I want to live to be 100 in a young mind and body)

2. fear of looking old ( I know looks aren’t everything but I still want to look good)

3. fear of losing my parents ( didn’t think about that until I saw it happen to friends)

4. fear of losing any other loved ones ( kind of worried about that before but more so now)

5. fear of failure (didn’t used to worry about failing so- I took more chances)

6. fear of losing my health (the c word and other dreading things  are in the back of my mind)

7. fear of financial collapse (  brought on by the depression or whatever it is we’re experiencing)

8. etc and many more too numerous to mention

Now you may look at this list and think it’s not much different than anyone else’s list. That may be true but I didn’t used to worry about things like this. I just leaped over the hurdles and kept going without paying a whole lot of attention to fearful things.  Can I be that girl again or is it inevitable that as we reach the middle age mark (the dreaded forty) we look at the world a little differently. It may just be an attitude the pot half full vs half empty kind of thing. Well, I want my pot filled up to the brim no half full containers will do for me, thank you very much.

I guess this week’s assignment in my unravelling class brought this list of fears to my attention. We’ve been assigned the dreaded task of  taking four images of our face and then posting  them on flickr, for the whole world to see. I’m terrified… I usually hate my pictures and trying to take four head shots of myself that I would keep in my private photo files is nearly impossible let alone pictures I want to show in public. It goes back to #2 on the list, fear of looking old. I hate that one!

Okay I’m sick of complaining. I’ll let you know how the picture taking goes. I want to share something fun with all of you, fd’s flickr toys. It’s a handy little sight that allows you to do some fun things with your pictures. I made the mosaic below on this sight. It’s fun and pretty easy so give it a try. It might just make your pot look half full- oh hell let’s fill’er up to the brim.

mosaic

Have a terrific Tuesday.

xo-jj

June 2, 2009 Posted by | confessions, me, rants, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments