A very ordinary girl now middle-aged woman who thinks extraordinary thoughts in no particuliar order

A very ordinary girl now middle-aged woman who thinks extraordinary thoughts in no particular order. I’m thinking this may become a new feature on my blog. Perhaps I’ll touch on it once a week or twice a month or maybe even every other post. I can’t be pinned down right now or get caught up in the details, I have too much to say. I may start at the beginning, at the end or maybe even in the middle because I do things like that

 I thought my life was going to turn out differently, after all I have a destiny, a mission, a niche, but I haven’t found it just yet.   I know it’s out there, lurking in the shadows just waiting for the right moment to happen.

I couldn’t wait to grow up and find my purpose, that niche, my something but I had to get married to my high school sweet-heart, have kids and purchase my first house before I could pursue my dreams. Those things were too important to let get away and they had to get done before I was too set in my ways to get married, too old to have kids and before I had spent most of my adult life in a rented apartment.

While raising kids I knew that my something was out there but I was too busy, too fulfilled and way too brain-dead to go looking for it. It would have to wait and wait and wait.

How long should one wait? Should I start looking? Actually I think I’ve been looking all along but no niche.   I’ve always thought that when I was ready it would just happen.  All I had to do was wish for it and the answer would become, loud and clear, a flash of light, an epiphany, happiness.

I use to dream of a life in the big city. This life  included my loving family, the perfect house, a little fame and a lot of money. All made possible by my thriving career. I had my whole life ahead of me and plenty of time to achieve everything I’d hoped for. It was going to happen. I could feel it. I just had to get through the next few years of raising my family before it could happen. I raised my family and now when I look back I know that those were the most fulfilling years of my life. Perhaps thats why I put off the dream, my wish.

As the years passed my dreams and wishes got a lot smaller and a little closer to home.

I once wished for a beautiful white cat to fill my house with cozy charm, to make it feel homey and full. I envisioned her sitting in the front window when I arrived home in the evening, waiting for my company.

I wished and a couple of months later he showed up. He was different from what I envisioned, his fur was short with tan patches and he was absent a tail. I welcomed him into my home anyway but he didn’t like the indoors. he preferred the porch to my cozy office.  So now when I arrive home I find him waiting  not on my window sil but waiting all the same. By the way he brought friends-I feed them too.

 I wished for more children and I got a grandchild. Grandchildren are God’s greatest work and I never tire of their company. I’m not your typical grandma. I don’t bake. I can barely cook and I wear jeans with holes in the knees.

A few years ago I wished for more time with my family and something happened at work that made it justified for me to quit. I never looked back because I was sure this was a sign and my special talents were about to emerge. That was two and a half years ago. I’ve tried on a few hats since then but nothing fits. Someone once said, “I think you just don’t like to work” not true. I just want to feel passionate about what I’m doing, be good at it and make a living while doing it. 

Not all my wishes come true. I’ve wished for something I enjoyed, loved, something I was really good at.  It had to be a career where I could make a living while doing it. Something all my own. Nothing happened. I’m afraid it may take a little work on my part to find it, patience and focus, things I’m not very good at. I have the attention span of a three-year old child after she has consumed an entire box of cookies, chocolate chip of course.

I’m not whinning and I’m certainly not ungrateful for all the wonderful things in my life. I’m just wondering if maybe I’m going about this quest for success and completion all wrong. Perhaps…

This is just me thinking out loud  🙂

xo-jj

Monday blues

( I made this collage in a writing  journal a while back. It seemed fitting for today’s post)

I applied to a handful of companies where I could see myself working and now I’m waiting, mulling over and wondering what will be. I feel as though I’m in a sort of holding pattern, floating directly above all decisions, all destinations, just waiting for something to happen. I’m at a fork in the road with no clear direction. Here I sit waiting for a sign before I proceed down the road of life. A part of me says move on don’t wait for an answer and then another voice speaks up to say, be patient- take your time. How long should I wait for that tolerable job to come calling before I submit to another stint of cubicle incarceration. I just can’t see myself back in a desk job but if I’m too picky I may never snag that second job.  Hmmmm, a little help here.

I’m looking for the perfect job or maybe just a few words of wisdom….anyone?

xo-jj

Note to self

Lush and lovely

Dear Junie,

Love the journey not just the end result. I know you think you have things all figured out- you don’t. I know you think you can’t possibly have a vibrant career- you can.  Life isn’t a dress rehearsal and there aren’t any retakes, so make every day count- do it, do it all!

Love me

Feeling inspired by this lovely apartment building in downtown Portland.

 Sweet perfection

This entrance drips quiet elegance and artsy inspiration. My apartment of choice would be the beautiful balcony to your right. Imagine sipping your morning cup of coffee while tending the flowers. Yeah, I’m already there….

Wishing you a day of inspiration.

xo-jj